Life Lesson #59: Just 'cuz she dances go-go, it don't make her a ho, no!

In the spirit of adventure and constantly trying to get in a workout while avoiding the gym, I decided to try a pole dancing class. Why not, right? Great for my self esteem and my abs? Sounds fantastic!

Now, getting overly enthusiastic about trying new things is one of my fortes. Everything - from new restaurants to As Seen on TV gadgets - gets me excited. Sign me up! Write me down for ten! Who’s with me?! There isn’t an exclamation mark big enough to express how much I want to do it all.

Follow-through, on the other hand; not so much. I still haven’t made it to Minetta Tavern and I probably haven’t used my Toaster ‘N’ Egg Poacher in over a year. So when I signed up to take this pole dancing course, it was with the faintest of beliefs that I’d actually go.

But when the day rolled around and going home to my over-heated apartment or even hotter gym was all I had to look forward to, I figured it was time to step it up. And for that rare moment of intent, I will truly be grateful.

For without it, I would have never met Jody.

I’m going to guess Jody was just added to the daytime roster at Sapphire’s. Eh. I take that back. What’s the strip club not too far from Yankee’s Stadium, nicknamed The Dirty Triangle? That’s the one I can really see her working at. Still, during the day.

She looked no more than 18. But the resemblance to a 10 year old boy was striking, just with a Barbie-sized bikini and fantastic, hot pink hooker-heels (Please note everyone was in gym clothes. You are NOT encouraged to dress like you are auditioning for Showgirls).

The class started off with the instructor asking if anyone had taken an intro class before – and while Jody had in fact not, she did reveal she recently got hired as a “dancer” and was instructed to take some classes to improve her skills. One point for me.

The instructor made it clear that, while we were allowed to embellish on any of the moves, we were not allowed to do any tricks beyond what was being taught, nor could we climb the pole more than one tier (more on that later). But let’s be honest – “we” weren’t going to be attempting any of that; she was directly speaking to Jody on these points.

All right ladies; shake off the awkwardness and let the games begin!

Jody’s first strike – dry humping.

The beginning of class started like any of its kind that requires you to move your body: basic stretching. Nothing special here, just good old get down on the floor and stretch before you dance for an hour. Well, Jody must have missed that basic principal of any gym class and started pounding the mat with her pelvis when we were supposed to be loosening up our backs.

Instructor: Jody, no need for that, please. We don’t want to get injured five minutes in.

Jody’s second strike – gyrating like a demon child.

On to the next phase of class – the actual pole dancing lesson. The routine consisted of a lot of slow walking/moving/dancing – whatever you want to call it – around the pole. Granted, there was nothing particularly hard or challenging here. It was more about being ok with your inner sexy lady, which to be quite honest, didn’t seem to be anyone’s thing in this particular class.

Except for Jody. I swear she had a total outer-body experience, resulting in extremely dangerous body flailing, bizarre gymnastic moves on speed, and some overall unhygienic positions in a group atmosphere. Remember – her bikini was very, very tiny.

Instructor: Jody, I said embellishing is allowed. Grinding the pole when other people have to use it is not embellishing. Please, stop.

Jody’s third and final strike – pole climbing like a monkey.

For the last part of the routine, we tackled the hardest challenge: the pole climb. Since we were all beginners, we just focused on the bottom tier of the pole, or the part you can easily reach when lifting up your arms. Basically, you use one leg to “gracefully” get your body about 3 feet up the pole, do a weird back bendy thing, and then slither down with the ease of a fireman.

For all the basic motor skills Jody clearly lacked, climbing that pole was certainly not one of them. To be totally honest, I have no idea how she got up there, but next thing you know, she is at the TOP of the pole – touching the ceiling, about 12 feet off the ground – and somehow managed to once again hump the damn thing. It was kind of like she was riding a bull, if it were 4 inches wide and made of metal. Oh, and again, 12 feet in the air.

I have to admit, I was kind of in awe.

Instructor: JODY GET THE HELL DOWN AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!

That my friends, was my intro to pole dancing and the decision to officially start follow through on things.

Life Lesson #59: Enough saying I’ll do something, then conveniently not remembering about it until after the fact. Just the possibility of being exposed to more people like Jody is enough incentive. I’m not just going to make a plan; I’m going to keep it! Sign me up for a class – I’m going to show up! Find my comfort zone and push me out of it! Because I’ll never know what I’m missing unless I show up and strut my stuff.