Life Lesson #46: Sticks and Stones May Break Penny’s Bones, But Momments Will Never Hurt Me.

“Just make sure you don’t get pregnant.”

Um, thanks Mom.

This is the type of thing that all mothers say to their daughters on a pretty regular basis. Maybe not about getting knocked up exactly. The above is merely a specific example of those back-handed Mom Comments, or what I like to call Momments, which are thinly veiled as advice. In actuality, their just nasty little ways to really get under our skin and suck the wind out from under us.

The funny thing is you probably think the remark seems so ridiculous because it’s just a lone sentence floating with no other dialogue to steer it in any one direction. Out of context, it sounds pretty awful. You guess the actual conversation it popped up in would make it seem not nearly as bad as it reads alone at the top of the page.

Honestly, the rest of the conversation doesn’t provide any sort of absorption. If anything, it makes it worse. Because I had just told my mom that I had been promoted at work.

“I’m so excited! I just found out that I got that job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I think it was down to someone else and they turned it down – but still! I’ll be starting in two weeks…” I babbled to my mom on the phone as I left work at the end of the day.

“Oh great! This really sounds like a good opportunity. Now what exactly is it again?” she asked.

“Well, the title is Associate Product Manager, but it’s within the merchandising department.”

“That is wonderful. And the new apartment; how is that going?” she asked. I just moved last week.

“Really good! The week was crazy and I totally hurt my back from lugging everything. But we unpacked most of the stuff and are just trying to organize and get settled,” I said as I tried to hail a cab home. “I can’t wait for you and dad to see it.”

“I’m glad to hear that! A new apartment, living with your boyfriend, a promotion: these are all great things,” she said.

“I know! I feel like things are really going well,” I said, hopping into the cab.

Then, the Momment.

“Just make sure you don’t get pregnant.”

Thank baby Jesus I was sitting down. I blanked for a few seconds before the weight of the Momment actually pushed down on my chest. When it finally did, I could barely find words.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying; mother to daughter. Woman to woman. Things are going very well for you right now. So make sure you don’t get pregnant.”

Wham.

If you’re a dude, chances are you don’t think this is particularly mean. Or a reason to get all worked up. And, well, maybe some sound advice, all things considered. But let me explain something to you: Momments are not directed at us out of love or guidance. What they are directed out of is spite and the smallest bit of jealousy. Momments are hurtful remarks that are out of place, unnecessary, and sound much meaner opposed to how they read.

Some examples of the difference between Advice and Momments:

1. Joe is taking me out to dinner tonight for our anniversary!
Advice would be:
“Order the dessert; you only live once!”
Momments would be:
“Don’t eat too much; you don’t want to get fat.”

2. I was thinking about coloring my hair.
Advice would be:
“You should try something that complements your coloring.”
Momments would be:
“Try not to go so blonde this time.”

3. I took off work yesterday. I had the worst chest cold and could barely get out of bed.
Advice would be:
“Try to rest up the next few days; you don’t want to get more sick.”
Momments would be:
“You know, I never used to get as sick as you do when I was younger. Probably because I didn’t go out nearly as much as you do.”

And my own dear mother's personal zinger:
4. I got a promotion at work and the new apartment is looking good.
Advice would be:
“Congratulations! And enjoy this; it’s a great time in your life.”
Momments would be:
“Just make sure you don’t get pregnant.”

Imagine someone punching you in the gut as you celebrate your team’s victory. Or getting a brick tossed at your head as you walk down the street, enjoying your tunes and the nice weather. Or a friend running by and kicking you in the nuts as you talk to a hot girl at a bar. It’s kind of like that. Except unlike physical wounds that in time heal, Momments cut much deeper and are crystallized in our memories for what I’m guessing is a very, very long time.

Life Lesson #46: Momments are the worst. They can completely change your mood in half a second flat. And not in a positive way. But I’m a big girl now. I can’t let these things bother me anymore. If I did, I’d not talk to the woman for ten days straight and dye my hair purple (which I have done). Clearly, I don’t want to be bothered by Momments any more then the next gal, but they're to stay. So the best I can do is brush them off and come up with a witty comeback.

“Just make sure you don’t get pregnant.”

“Oh, definitely not. Look how that turned out for you!”