Life Lesson #33: The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round, Round and Round, Round and Round..

My first steps into my new boss's office almost landed me in his arms. No joke.

This near death (at least by mortification) experience occurred by way of a stuck heel. As I went to step forward and formally shake my employer’s hand, the floor immediately jumped up to embarrass the crap out of me. Somehow the heel of my shoe got wedged between the molding of the doorframe and the wooden floor. What was supposed to be a nice, firm handshake turned into a crazy I’m-about-to-fall! move that ended in him staring at me like I just took the short bus to work.

“Wow, you alright there?”

“Yea, my heel is stuck in the floor though…” I mumbled, trying to yank my leg up without losing complete control.

“Well, I guess that’s as far as you’re coming into my office!” he laughed, clearly trying to lessen my humiliation.

“You’d think I just got shocked from an electric fence or something. Well, anyway, hello and I look forward to working for you,” I managed.

Please note that this man is not only my new boss but also the boss of everyone else in the company: he’s the CEO.

It’s just my luck, really, that I’d almost fall flat on my face the first day of a new job. Oh yea, I’m finally employed again. No more retirement for me. Although, if I don’t watch myself to carefully, I might lose it pretty quick. The HR department might get rid of me for being a liability or something.

I’m going to blame this episode on the fact that I had to get up at 6:15 to make it there. No joke. For those of you unfamiliar, I haven’t had a normal day job in over three months now. Which means, I’ve been getting up nowhere near such an obscenely early hour. I’m more accustomed to stumbling in only shortly before that. When noon hits, I’ve probably only been up for an hour or so.

Today, I already had seven waking hours behind me by the time my lunch break came around. I felt like I might simply pass out right on the Avenue of the Americas.

Come to think of it, a number of variables could have contributed to this morning’s incident:

1. As already noted, I had gotten up before the sun was even shining fully. Enough said.

2. I was wearing Business Casual Attire. I figure this messed me with a bit. At my last job, I could wear sweatpants and a bandana if I wanted. Which I did. Often. So putting on nice pants and a fancy shirt, along with some relatively high heels, kind of disrupted my entire equilibrium. My non-cleavage baring top probably didn’t help either.

3. I took Metro North, the 6 and the V to get to my new office. I totally forgot how hellish commuting could be. Especially subway transfers at a freakishly large number of feet below street level. Hot. Smelly. Slightly scary. And extremely annoying. If the stank, 95 degree, probably over one hundred years old air isn’t enough to make you light headed, the bum sitting next to you will definitely put you over the edge.

4. The Two-Day Later Hangover. Some of you may be familiar with this phenomenon in which Monday morning, you’re still hurting from Saturday evening. Way too much free wine and vodka at a wedding will do that to me. So even though I was Sober Sally all of Sunday, I woke up today still a little fuzzy ‘round the edges.

5. I think I suffered from something that felt eerily like back-to-school jitters. Do you remember that slightly nauseating, is anyone going to like me, I hope my outfit is cool and I really hope someone will sit next to me during lunch feeling you got in the pit of your stomach as you rode the bus on your first day of fourth grade? If not, then you’re way cooler than I’ll ever be and I’m jealous.

6. I’m not what you’d call graceful or poised. I trip up stairs and my ankles get wobbly for no reason at all. I often feel that no matter how much I try to pull myself together, I’m always about to fall apart at the seams. So a heel stuck in the ground isn’t that out of the ordinary for me. Getting through the day not stumbling would be more peculiar.

7. I had just spent two hours having my one-on-one orientation session with this chick from human resources. Sure, she was nice and all, and I’m really glad I’ll get health coverage in ninety days, but listening about high risk deductibles and zero tolerance for sexual harassment is painful. It would make most people’s eyes glaze over. Mine included.

8. I had to pee big time. Not something new, of course, but I remember thinking how badly I had to go right before going up to my boss, and well, that was probably the last coherent thought I had before catapulting forward, foot trapped in the ground.

Luckily, the rest of the day went by without too many mishaps. I did drop a call that I clearly had no idea how to transfer. Oh, and I might have spilled a little water on my keyboard. But I figure that there’s got to be some people out there who’ve had worst First Days then me, right?
Life Lesson #33: So I had a minor incident at work. Already. My boss probably thinks I’m a little, well, “slow” shall we say? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever been one to give off a good first (or even second) impression.

But I figure that by starting off on the wrong, or rather, wedged foot, I can only get better. I hope we can all look back on my first morning at work and chuckle. And while you all might be shaking your heads from second hand embarrassment, I’m just going to laugh this one off. Because I’m sure I’ve got bigger calamities coming at me in the near future. Trust me on this one. If there’s one thing I’ve consistently got going for me, it’s my ability to make an ass of myself.