Life Lesson #30: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

At four in the morning, I do not look any better sober than drunk. My eye makeup is still halfway down my cheeks, my hair matted in sweat and beer just as much as a typical drinking night. Perhaps my face isn’t bright red, or my eyes tiny slits. But it’s the middle of the morning. No matter what, I don’t look nearly as pulled together as I thought I did when I walked out the door.

So, what then, is the difference between Drunkity Skunkity and Sober McGee? That, my friends, lies in the real-time moment of truth that, yes, indeed, I look like crap.

When drunk, most people just don’t care (or are too incoherent to). A quick flip-over of the hair and forehead pat with a paper towel seem to solve everything. You squint your eyes enough in the dirty bathroom mirror and the optical illusion of hotness is achieved. A quick readjusting of the cleavage and pouting of the lips, and the bar is your oyster. I mean really, who can resist you at this stage of the game?

But sober is a whole different story. You look at your reflection and all you can think is, sweet jesus, someone tell me I don’t always look like this. And a millisecond later, holy crap, I totally look like this and when I’m shit faced, it’s probably even worse.

Being on antibiotics and thus not being able to drink (clearly this whole sick thing I’ve been wearing like snap bracelets in the eighties is penance for some sort of nonsense I pulled in a former life) has led me to this realization. The term Beer Goggles takes on a whole new meaning. It’s not just that the eye of the beholder is so mangled you look hot. It’s that your own eyes are so flooded with alcohol you even think you look hot.

I’m going to even go a step further and say that booze is the best ego booster you can wrap your hands around. Your mom will tell you how pretty/handsome/smart/funny you are ten times a day. The hookup you just got into your bed better throw you a nice compliment or two (if not, then your really know how to pick the assholes, buddy). But all it takes is a couple of drinks, throw in a few shots, and by god, who’s better than you?!

And while by no means do I claim my observations to be considered sound scientific research, I really do believe the only difference between The Sobers and The Drunks is self-perception.

The Sobers Thought Process, post 3:30 am: Oh my god, I look like shit. I just stumbled, again. Everyone saw. I so cannot dance. Jesus, no one is coming home with me. I’m such a loser.

The Drunks Thought Process, post 3:30 am: Oh my god, I am the shit. My dance moves are envious. Check me out. Who’s coming home with me tonight? Yea, that’s what I thought. You all want to. Get in line people, get in line.

The Sobers go home without someone to swap STDs with and they blame it on everything from their bad hair day to that stupid joke they tried to tell.

The Drunks go home without someone and they simply blame it on being too wasted to try hard enough.

So as my doctor-imposed detox regimen comes to an end (don’t think I haven’t been counting down the hours, which is now twenty-four more), what have I learned?

That it’s just so much better to drink.

The world is just a better place when there is alcohol involved. I know the members of AA are going to come down on me (after they strap me to a chair and make me admit I have a problem) and that I’m most certainly going to get the clap in my next life for saying this, but consequences be damned.

With alcohol, we’re a happier, prettier, funnier and much more musically inclined bunch of people.

And really, what’s wrong with that?

A certain level of sloppy is what makes the world go round. With Bud Light comes a new friend. Shots of Tequila bring out the Man Love. Vodka guarantees phone numbers scribbled on napkins. Jagger Bombs help enemies put down their swords.

I’m not saying we should all go around smashed every minute of the day. Although, you know, that could actually be very amusing. As long as people weren’t allowed to drive, operate heavy machinery, or watch small children. Or try to cook things over open flames. What I am saying, though, is that being a little messy now and again is a good thing.

Life Lesson #30: Say that I have a problem (and I’ll probably agree), but I think alcohol gets too much flak. Yea, sure, some people tend to get a little belligerent when drunk and waking up with a hangover is something we all hate. But wanting to toss your cookies is much nicer than getting up with a clear head that will only focus on every negative thing it can conjure up.

So while a period of sobriety and self reflection was great and all, I'm ready to have a nice cold one. And I think everyone should join me. We'll all feel better about ourselves for it.