Life Lesson #7: This is the Real World: Newark International

This is the true story (true story) of one girl, picked to go to a conference, and see what happens when people stop being silly and start throwing glares. This is the Real World: Newark International.

You’re going to think I’m such a dork when you read this, but what the hell. Add it to the list, I guess.

As I set my Outlook manager to Out of office until Friday at around 3 pm last Wednesday, I had an overwhelming sense that I had officially become a grown up. The weird transition stage between college graduation and ‘the real world’ was suddenly ending.

I was going on my first overnight business trip. I was psyched and terrified at the same time.

I packed a tote that any business-savvy traveler would admire, which included a mini hair brush, moisturizer that could be used day or night, low heels (double points for appropriateness and small size that fits snugly into the side zippered pocket of my bag), and a conservative business-casual ensemble for the conference being held by one of our company’s major clients. I even got to work about an hour earlier than usual to ensure I’d get everything done in time to leave before the traffic out of Manhattan.

My coworker Dan and I set off with our Mapquest directions and conference itinerary. I felt smart. I felt important. I was going places.

About twenty minutes out of the Lincoln Tunnel, I felt lost.

‘You sure the directions say to take I-95 to I -280?’ Dan asked as he drove.

‘Yep, it says it right here,’ I answered with confidence.

I glanced at the directions, again. Oh - wait. Actually, it says I-95 South via the exit on the left towards I-280/I-78. Way to be confusing, Mapquest. But I was a little too embarrassed to admit I might have actually read the directions wrong. I chose to quickly toss them in the back seat.

‘Seriously, Mapquest is always wrong. All we have to do is look for signs for the airport - the hotel is right there. We’ll get there in no time I’m sure,’ I said.

‘I guess,’ Dan said as he glanced through the rearview mirror at the directions.

Another ten minutes later, a sign for Montclair and no planes in the horizon led to the decision to turn back around - clearly we had gone too far. Luckily, the exit I had forgotten to mention when Dan was driving southbound soon appeared and the red glare of the Marriot sign came into view moments later.

I made a mental note to pay a little more attention when in the passenger seat the next time someone trusts me with getting from point A to point B. That would be the grownup thing to do.

Dan parked the car, I grabbed my tote (and simultaneously swiped the directions) from the back seat, and we headed into the lobby to check into our rooms.

The main entrance was enormous. Three women in their forties were on line ahead of us - all dressed impressively and with chic luggage-on-wheels. An elderly gentleman read The Wall Street Journal on a couch while several other men in spiffy suits chatted it up. There was a woman playing a harp in the middle of the room.

I looked down at my tattered Converse and jeans. I felt slightly juvenile. Another mental note: this time about dressing appropriately on the way to conferences, not just when actually in attendance.

At the front of the line we gave our company name and confirmed two nonsmoking rooms. I noticed all the women at the front desk had name badges that state where they are from (the employees, not the badges) as well as brightly colored ribbons - the word WOW written in bold.

I nudged Dan and tried to draw his attention to the WOW ribbons. I couldn’t help but smirk. He looked at me like I was crazy.

Under my breath I said: ‘Don’t you remember Opie and Anthony’s Whip it out Wednesdays? It’s Wednesday!’

‘Uh, I don’t think that’s what they mean,’ he answered.

I knew that. But come on, these women had these ribbons pinned right onto their chests. It’s funny!

We got our room keys and decided to meet back in the lobby in an hour to grab some dinner. I headed up to Room 501 and was pleased to discover it’s location at the end of the hall, away from the elevators and ice machines.

With one quick swipe, I walked into a little slice of heaven.

The room was awesome! Giant bed, with SIX pillows in total, a cool desk with complimentary tea and coffee packets, and a normal sized iron and board in the closet. The bathroom was great too - shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, soap and facial cleaner - all by Bath and Body Works. I immediately swiped those bad boys and put them in my toiletry bag.

I opened up the television stand to discover two glorious bottles of Vasa water, also compliments of the Marriott. I twist one open and gulp three-quarters of it down in record time. Free water just tastes so good.

I took a quick shower, put on some clean clothes and headed back downstairs to meet with Dan. We had a great dinner at the hotel’s Italian restaurant and headed over to the bar, which is pretty packed for a Wednesday evening. I get the feeling there is more than one conference in town.

A few vodka-sodas later and Dan was ready to call it a night. I was a little upset because, well, it’s barely midnight. I mean, I knew we had a day filled with Powerpoint presentations and team building tips ahead of us, but I thought it was still a little early. And lame.

‘Dan, we don’t have to be at the conference until 8:30, you know?’ I asked, trying to get the bartender’s attention.

‘I know. But it’s already twelve,’ Dan answered without pause.

I suddenly felt like a lush.

‘Um, okay. Well, then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I answered.

The next day started off with a plethora of carbs and coffee, although definitely not because I was feeling sluggish or anything. Just because it was free.

Dan and I sat ourselves down at a table and pulled out the binders we’d be using throughout the day. I put on my best corporate charm and introduced myself to the people around us. After about the tenth introduction, I was kind of happy this thing was about to get started - I was getting a little tired of acting all polite and explaining what the hell I was doing there.

Jade, director of Consumer Product Services, kicked the conference off. She looked pulled together and actually kind of attractive for an older woman. Her skirt was maybe a bit too short, but she knows her best asset, and well, I give her credit for that. And although it looked like she had a little trouble getting the wrinkles out of the back of her shirt, I doubt anyone besides my neurotic self noticed.

After a few moments though, I noticed that her skin had that slight yellow sheen underneath her makeup, perhaps the aftermath of a bit too much alcohol? And she kept taking giant swigs from the water bottle on the podium - clearly, Jade was dehydrated.

I immediately pegged her as a bit of a loose drunk. You might be thinking, it takes one to know one. I wouldn’t be offended in the least.

‘Dan, Jade is definitely hung over,’ I whispered.

Another glare from Dan as if I had sprouted a third boob during the course of the night.

‘I’m just saying, look at her!’ I protested. I was clearly not getting the conspiratorial partner I hoped for today.

A little while later, the microphone was handed over to Dave, the regional manager of Insanely Boring Stuff. I think he’s in charge of audits and assessments. You know, insanely boring stuff like that.

I lasted a solid ten minutes before I had the urge to rip of my ears off and throw them at Dave’s balding head. But when he started to talk about his company’s Corrective Action Plan, he got a little tongue tied, maybe because he saw a bit too much of Jade’s thigh, and the phrase Crack Plan slipped out instead.

I immediately fell into a fit of giggles imagining Dave and Jade getting a little crazy the night before and trying to buy dope off Chris Rock’s character in New Jack City. I know, this is awful. I can’t help it. I have what one might call an active, slightly deranged, imagination.

The morning goes on without much more excitement. I noticed ribbons and a deflated balloon caught in the bell shaped light above me and imagined a party held in the conference room that was definitely a lot more fun than what this day was turning out to be.

Lunch time proved a little better - if only for my introduction to Eswaran. I’m still not sure what he does or where he’s from, as his accent was very thick, but he was definitely a bright spot in the afternoon. He sat down next to me with the biggest plate of food I‘ve ever seen. I noticed he was about the size of my left thigh. His mouth full of crooked teeth made me think of those horrible white-trash teeth you can buy for Halloween. His hair was completely disheveled, despite what looked like an attempt to plaster cowlicks down with gel.

‘Mumble, mumble…mumble…Hahahaha!’ he said to me.

‘Um, hi?’ I answered.

‘Mumble, mumble. Hahahaha! Mumble, mumble’ he said to me as he simultaneously shoveled food in his mouth.

I had no idea what the hell he was saying but it made no difference. He found himself hilarious and just kept laughing. I wondered if he ever smoked weed.

At one point I thought he was telling me about his pretty sister, but figure that can’t be right. Did the conversation suddenly change to neutered dogs? That didn’t seem right either. Oh well. It really made no difference. Eswaran just kept talking, and laughing, and all I had to do was smile and nod. That I can do easily.

Back for the last leg of the day and I wondered if anyone was doing anything later that night. I mean, it was Thursday. I pulled out my phone and start texting.

‘Um, Penny? Are you really that bored,’ Dan asked with the third look in the last twenty-four hours that I’m sure was to make me rethink my words, and actions.

Honestly, I couldn’t have cared less.

Because by 3 pm on Thursday, the realization that I was quite far from being a grownup was apparent. The novelty of being at my first real seminar had completely worn off. I didn’t feel like behaving like everyone, including Dan, around me. What I really wanted was for someone like Liberace to be sitting next to me, poking fun at everyone around us and stuffing as many chocolate chip cookies as he could into my bag.

Life Lesson #7: The weird transition stage between college graduation and ‘the real world’ will last as long as you let it. For me, it’s not going to end with those big, grownup events, like overnight business trips, fancy business cards, the first wedding of a close friend, or writing out my own rent checks.

For me, this stage is alive and well (three years and going strong, people), because I don’t want it to end yet. I don’t want to let mingling with vendors from Cincinnati or paying off my credit cards make me act with a sudden air of adult behavior or superiority. I’m just not ready to. Maybe I will be soon. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up a few months from now and decide to start heeding those ‘how to negotiate a great raise’ and ‘maximizing your 401K plan’ articles. Hell, maybe I’ll even run out and by one of those books that guarantees you’ll snag a husband in 90 days.

But I’m sure as hell it won’t be anytime soon. I like throwing out my room number to pay for drinks, just like I used to when on vacation with my dad. I love waking up on Sunday mornings with a nasty hangover and a few friends crashed out on the living room couch. And one of my favorite meals is still peanut butter and jelly on an English muffin for dinner.

And I’m pretty sure that a grownup, especially one like Jade, would never admit to such things.